Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
