booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
