I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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