Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
