I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
