I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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