I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
