The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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