I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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