i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
