It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
