Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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