I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
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