today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
