Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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