Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
