I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Every concussion has its silver lining
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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