i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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