It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
