before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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