and my herpes radar will keep us safe
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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