Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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