I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
