You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
