I just cut my nipple shaving
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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