so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You need Xanax blowdarts
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize