it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
