I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
