Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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