tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
How does one acquire holy water?
Randomize