I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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