Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
