I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I stole a fireplace last night.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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