GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
