Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
