I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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