I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
