The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
