This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm both gender and math confused
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
