it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
