He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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