my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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