i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
