haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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