I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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