We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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