So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
