I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
