theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
