I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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