Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
