New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
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