You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
