im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
i believe in u and ur pee
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
