does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
