I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
