That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
This is classic penis vs brain.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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