I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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